Identity: You Can't Lead Well If You Don't Know Who You Are

Do you ever find yourself trying to be everything to everyone? Maybe you feel like you’re constantly adjusting who you are based on the people and situations around you.

If so, it may be time to look more closely at identity.

My family often talked about a moment from my early childhood that they believe shaped how I responded to authority, friendship, and approval. When I was five, I was strong-willed, difficult to control, and constantly fighting for independence.

One night after a conflict with a babysitter, my father came home angry and stripped my room of everything I owned, telling me I would get it back when I learned to behave.

What I internalized that night wasn’t discipline – it was identity. I heard, “Until you change who you are, you won’t be loved. If you want acceptance, you need to become someone else.”

I loved my dad and wanted his approval. So, I changed.

That pattern followed me into adulthood. I became whatever version of myself that felt safest in the moment. Over time, I didn’t just adapt – I fragmented.

I eventually learned that a person with no identity is constantly running around trying to be everything to everyone; seeking validation for whatever the person in front of them wants. They don’t know who they are or what they want, so they become something different for everyone. They end up losing themselves.

A critical principle for leaders to understand is that the identities we assume will shape the decisions we make and the kind of life we choose to live.

As a Christian I believe that our ultimate identity should be found in God and who he has created us to be. The Bible describes many parts to this identity that we should assume when we choose a life with him. Follower of Jesus, Son or Daughter of God, Beloved Child, Ambassador for the Kingdom of God.

It is important to know who we are in Christ. Who he has created us to be.

It is also important to learn who God has specifically created you to be. What are the unique gifts and characteristics God has placed in you. Who are the people he has placed in your life. What country and culture did he place you in to nurture you.

Be OK being you.

People are going to judge you no matter what. You might as well be judged for who you actually are rather than being judged as someone you’re pretending to be.

My parents, like many others, also told me, “you can do anything you set your mind to.” I took this in part to mean, “You can become anyone you want to become.” If I wanted to be an astronaut – I could. If I wanted to be a Navy Seal – I could. While each of us has limits to our abilities, there is some truth to this.

Decide who you want to be and work to create that identity. We need not ever be stuck in an identity. Yes, who we were will always be part of us, but it doesn’t need to define the future version of ourselves.

It is true that we are a cumulative sum of all our “past selves.” The experiences we’ve walked through, and the lessons we’ve learned, the past versions of ourselves all shape who we are today.

In psychology, it’s understood that we have various “parts” within us; sub-personalities that form at different stages of life. These parts include our inner child, adolescent self, and young adult self, among others. Each of these selves has taken on specific beliefs, fears, coping strategies, and identities in response to the circumstances we lived through during that time. They still exist within us, often influencing our decisions, relationships, and leadership in ways we may not even realize.

But we don’t have to stay stuck in any one identity. Transformation is possible. Scripture speaks to this clearly when it says, “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.” (2 Corinthians 5:17)

This isn’t just a theological concept, it’s deeply practical. As Legacy Leaders, we’re not only allowed to grow - we’re called to it. Becoming a new creation means aligning more fully with who God created us to be, letting go of past patterns that no longer serve us, and leading from a place of wholeness.

Apart from God the most powerful force that will determine our identity is the people we surround ourselves with.

“The difference between who you are today and who you will be five years from now is determined by the people you spend your time with and the books you read” – Charlie "tremendous" Jones

The people you choose to listen to - friends, mentors, coaches, and pastors – will either reinforce who you are becoming or pull you away from it. Not everyone who gives advice has lived the kind of life you want to build.

“One of the most expensive things you’ll ever do is pay attention to the wrong people” – Dave Martin

Who you believe you are will shape how you lead, what you allow, and what your organization becomes. Your identity will dictate your legacy.

Ask yourself who you want to be – and start living in accordance with that.