Emotional Expression: Why Healthy Leaders Don’t Suppress What They Feel

When I say the word emotions, what comes up for you?

Do you cringe? Feel negative? Positive? Neutral? Does the word trigger you?

Many of us learned early on that emotions were something to control or suppress.

We use the term “emotional” to describe people who are not in control of their emotions.

I would argue that not being able to express your emotions in a healthy way is just as bad as having your emotions control you.

Emotions are not positive or negative. Emotions were given to us by God. We were created to be emotional beings.

Emotions are meant to help us experience life to its greatest degree. Emotions are meant to help us connect with others. Emotions can help us create.

For those who think that some emotions are good while others are bad – let’s look at Jesus.

Jesus was angry and expressed it as he drove salespeople out of the temple.

Jesus was sad and he wept when his friend Lazarus died.

God the father got angry at the Israelite people.

We are told to fear God and keep his commandments.

Jesus said that we are blessed when we mourn.

We are to consider sufferings as joy.

Anger, sadness, fear, joy, tenderness can’t be inherently bad if we see God Himself expressing them.

Each emotion is only good or bad, positive or negative based on how we choose to express it.

For most children, they can easily express a variety of emotions and flow between them effortlessly. Think of a child in the grocery store – throwing a temper tantrum in one aisle and completely content and happy at the check out counter.

As we age, we begin placing limits on which emotions are acceptable. Often this is because of what we are told by others. Maybe a parent scolds you for getting angry. We are told that, “real men don’t cry.” Or maybe someone told us not to “act like a baby.”

Personally, I shut off sadness because of trauma I experienced as a child. From a young age, I had a deep sense of compassion and a desire to defend others and fight injustice. When I was ten, we moved to Haiti as missionaries. The immense poverty was more than I could handle and process. I didn’t know how to express care and compassion without breaking. So, I shut it off.

I had a couple of memorable times as a child that I got angry. I felt that I lost control of myself and my ability to reason. So, I shut off anger to not unintentionally hurt others.

The problem is that we can’t completely shut off our emotions. They will eventually come out. Either explosively in a fit of rage, breakdown of sadness, depression, or anxiety. Or they may come out physiologically such as body aches, acid reflux, weight gain, phantom pains, or gut issues.

The key is to learn to express our emotions intentionally and in a healthy manner.

Anger is a very useful emotion when expressed well. It helps us right a wrong, fight for an injustice, or in defend what matters.

Fear keeps us from doing life-threatening things without using proper precaution.

Sadness, when expressed well, is one of the deepest forms of connection we can have with another human being. When we are comfortable to express our own sadness, it allows us to be there for someone else and to sit with them in theirs.

Joy and excitement expand your ability to think, create, and grow. It is ok to listen to your favorite song and jump on your bed 

If you deal with unexplained sickness – ask yourself: How well you process and express emotions.

If you feel too emotional – ask yourself: How can I give space for intentional expression instead.

This is an area I help many leaders. I have found that this is an incredibly important aspect in being a healthy leader. In my experience, the inability to express emotions well is one of the leading causes of burnout.

Leaders who cannot process emotions well often struggle with conflict, delegation, decision-making, and sustainability.

If you feel disconnected from your emotions and don’t know where to begin, let’s schedule a conversation. I’d be honored to walk through this with you.